This post has been written whilst I’ve been steaming pissed, so, apologies for spelling, grammatical and moral mistakes. By moral mistakes, I mean the high chance of swear words.
If people want to know and understand the reason for my depression, it is simple. I’m scared.
I’m scared of what this world is becoming, maybe not for me, but for my kids. With everything going on in the world, terrorism, in-school violence and just generally the shitty attitude people adopt to each other makes this world a scary place.
We read constantly about the threat of terrorist attacks, the so called Russian threats etc etc, and I’m sick of it to the point it weighs heavy.
I’ve been fearful of writing this post for sometime and this will also explain the lack of motivation for doing anything.
I’ve said before, that this blog is my psychological outlet, and though it doesn’t get updated much, I vent a lot of frustration, anger and fear through this blog.
With recent attacks in Paris, France and the threats of more to come, it worries me, it worries me to the point that things get neglected.
Currently, I find it difficult to concentrate on most things, and the simplest of “online” tasks become arduous and increasingly frustrating.
Depression is a very difficult thing to talk about, and in my situation, I am trying my best to do what I need to do.
I have neglected friends and family that have helped me, and please understand, if any of my family and/or friends are reading this, it isn’t intentional and I apologize if you feel that I have ‘used’ you. I haven’t. I am battling with depression.
It’s hard to try and think of what to say without facing ridicule and people wishing to take the piss.
I try my hardest to get through each day, and some are easier than others. I wish people could try and understand, but as I have always said, regards depression, no-one feels it more than the person going through it. What one person thinks is ‘ok’, another thinks it is the worst thing ever. You are trapped in your own bubble of sadness, often feeling guilty for feeling emotions such as joy which then brings you back down again.
I can’t even begin to ask people to understand, nor can I write exactly how I feel.
To the people who know me, I thank you for your support, despite my rejections.
I’m sat here at my keyboard, not knowing what to type, and thinking if the stuff that I already have written makes any sense.
I’ll close this post with the explanation that as I have previously said, it’s not a cry for help, I’m not suicidal, I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want anything but to feel ‘normal’, and this is something I need sort on my own. I have a loving family and so far, this is/has been enough to get me through each day as much as I do.
Please don’t treat me any different, please don’t ask me to explain face-to-face and please don’t judge me. My feelings are my own and I don’t expect people to fully understand them, but I ask they respect them no matter how odd or confusing they maybe.
Again, apologies to the grammar/spelling police, and certainly for any profanities.