Ok, this is going to be a first, but…

This post has been written whilst I’ve been steaming pissed, so, apologies for spelling, grammatical and moral mistakes. By moral mistakes, I mean the high chance of swear words.

If people want to know and understand the reason for my depression, it is simple. I’m scared.

I’m scared of what this world is becoming, maybe not for me, but for my kids. With everything going on in the world, terrorism, in-school violence and just generally the shitty attitude people adopt to each other makes this world a scary place.

We read constantly about the threat of terrorist attacks, the so called Russian threats etc etc, and I’m sick of it to the point it weighs heavy.

I’ve been fearful of writing this post for sometime and this will also explain the lack of motivation for doing anything.
I’ve said before, that this blog is my psychological outlet, and though it doesn’t get updated much, I vent a lot of frustration, anger and fear through this blog.

With recent attacks in Paris, France and the threats of more to come, it worries me, it worries me to the point that things get neglected.
Currently, I find it difficult to concentrate on most things, and the simplest of “online” tasks become arduous and increasingly frustrating.

Depression is a very difficult thing to talk about, and in my situation, I am trying my best to do what I need to do.

I have neglected friends and family that have helped me, and please understand, if any of my family and/or friends are reading this, it isn’t intentional and I apologize if you feel that I have ‘used’ you. I haven’t. I am battling with depression.

It’s hard to try and think of what to say without facing ridicule and people wishing to take the piss.
I try my hardest to get through each day, and some are easier than others. I wish people could try and understand, but as I have always said, regards depression, no-one feels it more than the person going through it. What one person thinks is ‘ok’, another thinks it is the worst thing ever. You are trapped in your own bubble of sadness, often feeling guilty for feeling emotions such as joy which then brings you back down again.

I can’t even begin to ask people to understand, nor can I write exactly how I feel.
To the people who know me, I thank you for your support, despite my rejections.

I’m sat here at my keyboard, not knowing what to type, and thinking if the stuff that I already have written makes any sense.

I’ll close this post with the explanation that as I have previously said, it’s not a cry for help, I’m not suicidal, I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want anything but to feel ‘normal’, and this is something I need sort on my own. I have a loving family and so far, this is/has been enough to get me through each day as much as I do.

Please don’t treat me any different, please don’t ask me to explain face-to-face and please don’t judge me. My feelings are my own and I don’t expect people to fully understand them, but I ask they respect them no matter how odd or confusing they maybe.

Again, apologies to the grammar/spelling police, and certainly for any profanities.

~ Roy

Here I am again…

I’ve slowly started getting back into my domain again.
I’ve started by blowing the dust of my Ubuntu system, giving it a good clean and update and then started to look at my domain.

Anybody who knows me will tend to realize I am quite a quiet person, who will very rarely share personal thoughts or go into detail about the things that affect me.
Needless to say, this is one of those times again, where I have had to pull myself out off a spell of depression.
I dare say I am not fully out of it, and it is probably one of the longest periods of depression I have faced to date.
I’m not going to go into mega amounts of detail, and I will stress that this and previous posts are not a cry out for help, it’s not a sympathy vote, it is merely the way I cope with things, a release if you will.
Never the less, hopefully, I will be engaging more with the domain and I may end up picking up old software projects and see if I can’t give it a new lease of life.

Right now, I am looking at my site and thinking “does that need to be there”.
I’ve said it before, countless times that the site lacks direction and purpose.

I have too many things on the go and I’m finding it impossible to do it all. From additions to updates I am failing.

So whilst the site itself may seem a little redundant and very little changes, behind the scenes I am tackling the tough decisions of what to keep and what to axe.
The main reason I have that many things on the go with the domain is purely because I like the software. It may sound strange, but I like to learn new things, so installing new software to try out and learn is mainly the reason I do it in the first place.

So, the plan is, is to cut down on the crap, shave down what I’ll keep and stick to some sort of order that is manageable and not critically time-consuming.

As always to the people who regularly visit or contact me, thank you.

Hi All,

Long time no see…
Well, truth is, I’ve been a little self absorbed.
Ultimately trying to sort my head out.

Those who know me will know that from time to time I go through phases where I pretty much think “Screw it all!”.

Over these last few months, it has been one of those times and even now I’m having trouble focusing on things I really should be.

This blog is the only place where I feel I can speak openly and freely without ridicule or judgment.
At the moment, I’m just concentrating on being me, rather than trying to please people all the time.

I’m not very good and speaking in the fullest abouts my feelings etc, but a little part of my emotions comes out one in a while in posts etc.
Nobody likes to read the rantings of a moaner I guess, and thats probably why everyone tends to see me as “fun loving” Roy which sometimes is a strain in itself.

Anywhoo, this is the way I deal with things, so thats that off my chest 🙂

I must really get my arse into gear an work on the site lol

Regards

Roy

Depression raises its ugly head again…

Yet again a number of factors are causing me to get down again.
I cant seem to pin point the exact cause, but I know it could be a number of things.
There just seems to be too many brick walls to run into, and not enough straight roads to cruise down.

first post of 2013

what can I say? with everything going off in my life nothing had been updated!

I’m fed up of just not being able to get things done, and it seems I just constantly post things saying just that.
As always, work, family, stress, tiredness and totally random events are stopping me from doing the work I want to do.

The main site is progressing but not at the pace I would like, and at the time of writing, it is still in maintainence mode.
I’ve pushed back the relaunch date twice now and wondering if it will ever be back online at all.

Hopefully I will be able to make some headway over the next couple of days as I have some annual leave booked in, plus if this snow continues, I may not be able to get to work…

We shall see…

Times are a changin’

And so I start work tomorrow. I must admit I’m a little apprehensive. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten used to being at home and the fact I wanted to stay at home to bring up Jack.
I’m not saying that I won’t work, it’s just I had little time with Caitlin when she was born because I spent most of my time at work. I just didn’t want to miss out this time.
Maybe I am being selfish, but I can’t help the way I feel. I had such plans but as most of the things in my life, they’re dashed.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not having a go at anyone, such as babs my wife. It’s the situation that screwed us over.
I suppose in one way it would be nice to start afresh but who knows?
We shall see…

One step forward…

two steps back.
Thats how things are feeling at the moment…
Got a lot, and I mean A LOT, swimming around my head at the moment and can’t seem to shake off this low state of mind.

I’ll keep writing as much as I can, purely for my own benefit, it helps get things of my chest.

I just there will be some resolution to all this stress. Its hard to concentrate on even the basic of things, and when all the days feel the same, thats when it starts to get to the point where I thinkg “Why bother!”.
I can’t seem to enjoy things to their fullest at the moment. Still, gotta keep plodding on right?

More updates…

Finally, I have sorted through the majority of the “Funny” images I have on my hard disks. The next job is to go through the CD-ROMS!!!
They are now online over at chuckles.rbcj-hub.co.uk if you fancy having a “chuckles” :o)

A few updates behind the scenes have been inputted, making the site a little safer and stable.
At this moment in time, this is all I have to report lol

For now, I’m off to bed…nitey nite

PS Before I forget, a number of things within this blog will be transferred over to the main RBCJ Hub as I’m trying to minimize duplicate entries (such as rants, images and other writings) and regain a little space, not that I need it at the moment…
;o)

Time for a Kitkat

I’m beginning to feel like my faulty hard drive, in limbo!
I can’t seem to make head way or certainly struggling to find motivation to crack on with the site. I think I’ve burnt myself out trying to get everything done all at once.
So, I think I’m going to take a break from developing the ‘front end, user facing’ part of the site and concentrate on the ‘back end’ of things.
I may even have a break altogether just so I can have a breather.
The main problem with me, is I want everything done, and I want it done yesterday. I need to pace myself and use my time wisely, considering that I appear to be trying to ‘burn the candle at both ends’ and then try to be a normal everyday dad/husband and resident nutter!!!
Besides, overall the site is doing pretty well on it’s own for the moment (although a site is only as good as it’s content).

I think a break ‘full stop’ is in order to recharge the motivational batteries and develop (on paper, offline) the site.
I plan to “officially” release the site by the end of this year, so I need to be clear of everything.

Anywhoo, enough of my rantings about the sites development…how is everyone??? LoL