Ok, this is going to be a first, but…

This post has been written whilst I’ve been steaming pissed, so, apologies for spelling, grammatical and moral mistakes. By moral mistakes, I mean the high chance of swear words.

If people want to know and understand the reason for my depression, it is simple. I’m scared.

I’m scared of what this world is becoming, maybe not for me, but for my kids. With everything going on in the world, terrorism, in-school violence and just generally the shitty attitude people adopt to each other makes this world a scary place.

We read constantly about the threat of terrorist attacks, the so called Russian threats etc etc, and I’m sick of it to the point it weighs heavy.

I’ve been fearful of writing this post for sometime and this will also explain the lack of motivation for doing anything.
I’ve said before, that this blog is my psychological outlet, and though it doesn’t get updated much, I vent a lot of frustration, anger and fear through this blog.

With recent attacks in Paris, France and the threats of more to come, it worries me, it worries me to the point that things get neglected.
Currently, I find it difficult to concentrate on most things, and the simplest of “online” tasks become arduous and increasingly frustrating.

Depression is a very difficult thing to talk about, and in my situation, I am trying my best to do what I need to do.

I have neglected friends and family that have helped me, and please understand, if any of my family and/or friends are reading this, it isn’t intentional and I apologize if you feel that I have ‘used’ you. I haven’t. I am battling with depression.

It’s hard to try and think of what to say without facing ridicule and people wishing to take the piss.
I try my hardest to get through each day, and some are easier than others. I wish people could try and understand, but as I have always said, regards depression, no-one feels it more than the person going through it. What one person thinks is ‘ok’, another thinks it is the worst thing ever. You are trapped in your own bubble of sadness, often feeling guilty for feeling emotions such as joy which then brings you back down again.

I can’t even begin to ask people to understand, nor can I write exactly how I feel.
To the people who know me, I thank you for your support, despite my rejections.

I’m sat here at my keyboard, not knowing what to type, and thinking if the stuff that I already have written makes any sense.

I’ll close this post with the explanation that as I have previously said, it’s not a cry for help, I’m not suicidal, I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want anything but to feel ‘normal’, and this is something I need sort on my own. I have a loving family and so far, this is/has been enough to get me through each day as much as I do.

Please don’t treat me any different, please don’t ask me to explain face-to-face and please don’t judge me. My feelings are my own and I don’t expect people to fully understand them, but I ask they respect them no matter how odd or confusing they maybe.

Again, apologies to the grammar/spelling police, and certainly for any profanities.

~ Roy

Its been a while…

Todays post is not about the site etc, more of something a little bit strange. Possibly even paranormal, who knows.
Read more Its been a while…

Times are a changin’

And so I start work tomorrow. I must admit I’m a little apprehensive. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten used to being at home and the fact I wanted to stay at home to bring up Jack.
I’m not saying that I won’t work, it’s just I had little time with Caitlin when she was born because I spent most of my time at work. I just didn’t want to miss out this time.
Maybe I am being selfish, but I can’t help the way I feel. I had such plans but as most of the things in my life, they’re dashed.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not having a go at anyone, such as babs my wife. It’s the situation that screwed us over.
I suppose in one way it would be nice to start afresh but who knows?
We shall see…

Silence

Yes, silence.
My online activities are being kept to a very extreme minimum. The reasons is I have a lot on my plate at the moment and certainly I don’t have the motivation at present.
I’m just a little stressed at the moment with a lot of things and I just need some time to work and think things through.
I’m having sleepless/restless nights and can’t seem to work out what the problem is. Personally I just think it’s an amalgamation of things with no predominant individual issue.
Certainly Facebook will have very limited to know posts, only what get piggy-backed through Twitter to this domain to Facebook.

I’m ok in myself, it maybe the weather that’s getting me down, I don’t know!

Anywhoo, I’m just thinking of the little things at the moment to get me through each day. I make it sound like I’m a manic depressive, but I’m not, just a little down perhaps.

On a slightly brighter note, I must say a massive thank you to all my friends, relatives and supporters of the site. Last month has shows well over 93,000 visits according to my hosting site stats (don’t ask me why the display at the bottom shows incorrect amounts, although this figure is a combined total from all sub-domains etc!!!)
But anyway a massive MASSIVE thank you to you all.

Other news, a good friend of mine Deano aka DJ Flight maybe settling down and living I’m Canada after he fell in love with the place, when he recently went over to visit his aunt (well to be fair, at time of writing, he’s still there)
Either way, Deano has assured me he will be having more of an input into the sites content and generally commenting on my blogs.
Whatever you choose to do mate, all the best!

If I don’t get a chance, have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!

Site Updates

Over the next couple of weeks, the site will be getting some major alterations.

Basically, the site load is putting a strain on resources and in short the site takes too
long to load on slow connections.

The main aim is to reduce load time and streamline the over all site, by reducing the
amount of plugins in use at anyone time.
Please be aware that during this time, some parts may become unavailable and errors
may occur. Also please be aware, that without notice, the site maybe put into
maintenance mode.
I have intially not done it this way, so that parts of the site that are unaffected by the
distruption will not suffer.

Thanks for your patience.

Updates and various other crap!

Amongst other things, I have finally started uploading all the photos, that were previously on here, but somehow got lost!?!?

To view the new photo album visit http://rbcsoftware.me.uk/viewpics/.

Minor updates overall have been made with Fetch!
The error module is up and running, although a few new ideas will be incorporated in there soon. The module itself, maybe released under a ‘ware’ licence, for which I haven’t decided a name for it.
Custom ‘ware’ licences seem to be cropping up everywhere these days, so I thought ‘sod it, I’m gonna invent one’.
And so I shall god dammit!

For those not familiar with ‘ware’ licences, first, where have you been? and secondly, never heard of FREEware, SHAREware, SMILEware etc?
No?
OK

Anyways, family news, Babs has got 2(!) new jobs, granted, she will only be excepting the one, but hey, 2 JOBS!
Other, quite shocking news, is that the Jones’s household has their Christmas tree up.
DON’T ASK!

Ba Humbug!

As the news is quite low, and I’m tired, and I have work in the morning, I’m going to bed.

Night night!

PS. Get ready for a new rant/grudge about “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!”

Sorry… [Please Read]

Sometimes, there are times when action cannot be expressed and words can only follow.
What you are about to read, is how I feel. I am not on the verges of suicide and I am not in need of counselling.
I cannot explain why I wrote this, nor do I wish to try.
I can only say, if it makes sense to you, the reader, then you are the same as I.

Thank you for reading.

Sat here thinking the things I think, I can’t help but wonder.
No, it’s not the beginning of a fancy poem or some other intellectual writings, merely an awakening to hows things were, are and how they will be.

Sometimes, life is hard and it bites back harder than I.
And sometimes the knocks are not so easily returned from. But the small things in life we often take for granted, get left behind, with no hope of being found again.
For this is the place where I find myself at, at this time.
The knocks are hard, and the harshness of bitter words are more hurtful than the sharpest of blades, and yet life continues.
Maybe it is the wine talking through my fingers or just the time where I feel only sorrow, I grasp at these words so dearly.

I’m sorry for the things I’ve done, the things I haven’t and the things I should have.
I am but one person, whos life has been tainted, with whom the closest cannot comprehend.
I’m sorry for the way I act, and the shame I hide.
I’m sorry for the hurt I’ve caused, and the twisted words I’ve uttered.
I can only explain that, the life I lead is like a sealed chamber, bashing against the sides, trying to be heard, but failing to address the onlookers.
Intolerably lonley whilst in a crowded room, deafened by the silence and blinded by all there is to see.

Whilst some may wonder, what am I talking about, and others may laugh at the words I’ve typed, as anything if life that is to be understood, no-one feels it greater than the one who understands.

And as I type, I could be considered not in a fit state, to wonder if grammer has been adhered to, and that spelling is correct. I just sit here quiet.
Wondering.
Always wondering.”

-Roy-

Mobile Update…

Well, time has been long, and communications have been non-existent.
This is due to the fact I really haven’t been arsed to do anything, purely because My wife, Caitlin and myself have been too knackered to do much!
Put politely!

Anywhoo, as Orange have very kindly upgraded my tariff at no extra cost, (I now have 500MB web access anytime, as opposed to before when I could only do it after 6pm and weekends) I am accessing my sites via my mobile.
But as always, load times on mobiles, PDAs etc take forever, and can become quite costly. So, because I’m such a nice guy, I have found some clever chaps over at http://mobilepress.co.za/ who can help me optimize my sites and make them operate quite smoothly, with minimum effort on mobile/cell phones using browsers such as; Opera Mini etc.

The downloads site will carry this, as it will soon be promoting some of the best software for mobile devices. As yet, however, the site is down for maintenance, as some weeks ago the database corrupted, and essentially I lost everything. On that note, what puzzles me, is why even the friggin’ backups failed to import correctly into MYSQL databases (shaking fist) curse you!

The time that I have had to do as I please, has been spent constructively testing new software.
The major of these, is Virtual DJ.

As accustomed to using turntables & CDDJs I thought I give it a whirl (turntables….whirl…geddit!?!?!)
I’ve done a few live mixes, ranging from 10mins to 1hr, some of which are online ready to be listened to.
I have to say, its quite difficult to get to grips with, as initially VDJ should be used with additional hardware, but once you have a couple of sessions with it, its ok. It is NO substitute for the real thing though.

Still as I don’t have the cash, or the space to set up the entire gaff, I’ll stick with CDDJ dex, Philips F3538 Sound processor, amps and 2x100watt speakers and my trusty computer.

As you’ve also probably guessed, as there has been no updates, my sessions at producing have very much took a back burner, alongside everything else.
Apologies to everyone expecting “miracles” of me getting it online. It aint happening yet…Perhaps a couple of samples, only maybe though.

Maybe I’ll watch Star Trek: First Contact, but first, I need to feed…