I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous’.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Proof that light travels faster than sound, someone may look intelligent, until they open their mouth.