As you can probably tell, I aint been doing much in the way of keeping this blog up to date.
Truth be known, I have been hard at working planning, prepping and generally editing RBCJ Hub v2. I have literally been “burning the candles” at both ends over these last few months.
All this couples with the kids being off school due to summer break and visiting the hospital, it’s been exhausting.
On that note, I’m off to bed as it’s 2.28am and I’ve got (yet another) blood test at the hospital.
I am so sick of being tired all day, resisting as much as I can not to “nap”, then when it gets to 9pm or so, feeling so tired I could sleep for a month, then “BOOM”, my brain fully engages in what ever it decides to, to prevent me from switching off and going to sleep.
We bought a new bed recently, and I haven’t even spent one night in it yet. I’m getting so effed of with it, its getting me down.
My brain wants to shutdown at the wrong times, and insist on keeping me awake when I should be sleeping.
I’ve tried sleep aids and they do feck all, I’ve tried drinking alcohol to make me pass out and that doesn’t seem to work (properly) either.
I’m fed up of it now, all I want to be able to do is switch off, go to a nice warm bed and go asleep without waking until morning (and not disturbing anybody else with (perhaps lol) snoring)….
This post has been written whilst I’ve been steaming pissed, so, apologies for spelling, grammatical and moral mistakes. By moral mistakes, I mean the high chance of swear words.
If people want to know and understand the reason for my depression, it is simple. I’m scared.
I’m scared of what this world is becoming, maybe not for me, but for my kids. With everything going on in the world, terrorism, in-school violence and just generally the shitty attitude people adopt to each other makes this world a scary place.
We read constantly about the threat of terrorist attacks, the so called Russian threats etc etc, and I’m sick of it to the point it weighs heavy.
I’ve been fearful of writing this post for sometime and this will also explain the lack of motivation for doing anything.
I’ve said before, that this blog is my psychological outlet, and though it doesn’t get updated much, I vent a lot of frustration, anger and fear through this blog.
With recent attacks in Paris, France and the threats of more to come, it worries me, it worries me to the point that things get neglected.
Currently, I find it difficult to concentrate on most things, and the simplest of “online” tasks become arduous and increasingly frustrating.
Depression is a very difficult thing to talk about, and in my situation, I am trying my best to do what I need to do.
I have neglected friends and family that have helped me, and please understand, if any of my family and/or friends are reading this, it isn’t intentional and I apologize if you feel that I have ‘used’ you. I haven’t. I am battling with depression.
It’s hard to try and think of what to say without facing ridicule and people wishing to take the piss.
I try my hardest to get through each day, and some are easier than others. I wish people could try and understand, but as I have always said, regards depression, no-one feels it more than the person going through it. What one person thinks is ‘ok’, another thinks it is the worst thing ever. You are trapped in your own bubble of sadness, often feeling guilty for feeling emotions such as joy which then brings you back down again.
I can’t even begin to ask people to understand, nor can I write exactly how I feel.
To the people who know me, I thank you for your support, despite my rejections.
I’m sat here at my keyboard, not knowing what to type, and thinking if the stuff that I already have written makes any sense.
I’ll close this post with the explanation that as I have previously said, it’s not a cry for help, I’m not suicidal, I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want anything but to feel ‘normal’, and this is something I need sort on my own. I have a loving family and so far, this is/has been enough to get me through each day as much as I do.
Please don’t treat me any different, please don’t ask me to explain face-to-face and please don’t judge me. My feelings are my own and I don’t expect people to fully understand them, but I ask they respect them no matter how odd or confusing they maybe.
Again, apologies to the grammar/spelling police, and certainly for any profanities.
A couple of weeks ago, I received an email from my host saying that my account had been suspended.
The reason for this was an unprecedented number of connections to my main MYSQL database.
In short, it put considerable strain on the server and before it could affect others users or cause any damage, the domain was suspended.
Currently I am looking into this, seeing if the requests were coming from one specific IP address or a group etc.
So at the moment, the only thing running is this blog and a few other services.
Once I have confirmation, I will update on the resolution.
Finally, I have sorted through the majority of the “Funny” images I have on my hard disks. The next job is to go through the CD-ROMS!!!
They are now online over at chuckles.rbcj-hub.co.uk if you fancy having a “chuckles” :o)
A few updates behind the scenes have been inputted, making the site a little safer and stable.
At this moment in time, this is all I have to report lol
For now, I’m off to bed…nitey nite
PS Before I forget, a number of things within this blog will be transferred over to the main RBCJ Hub as I’m trying to minimize duplicate entries (such as rants, images and other writings) and regain a little space, not that I need it at the moment…
I’m beginning to feel like my faulty hard drive, in limbo!
I can’t seem to make head way or certainly struggling to find motivation to crack on with the site. I think I’ve burnt myself out trying to get everything done all at once.
So, I think I’m going to take a break from developing the ‘front end, user facing’ part of the site and concentrate on the ‘back end’ of things.
I may even have a break altogether just so I can have a breather.
The main problem with me, is I want everything done, and I want it done yesterday. I need to pace myself and use my time wisely, considering that I appear to be trying to ‘burn the candle at both ends’ and then try to be a normal everyday dad/husband and resident nutter!!!
Besides, overall the site is doing pretty well on it’s own for the moment (although a site is only as good as it’s content).
I think a break ‘full stop’ is in order to recharge the motivational batteries and develop (on paper, offline) the site.
I plan to “officially” release the site by the end of this year, so I need to be clear of everything.
Anywhoo, enough of my rantings about the sites development…how is everyone??? LoL
Well, “main backup” has been recovered to an alternate drive.
The curious thing was, apparently the drive had a corrupt file system ultimately leading to drive being reported as “RAW” format, or “limbo” state as I call it.
I was offered some hope recovering the disk using “sudo ntfsfix /dev/sdc” via the terminal in ubuntu (as I have my laptop duel booting).
This didn’t work and ubuntu reported to use chkdsk. I couldn’t use this as Windows could not access the drive in the first place. Back to square one!
I finally resolved the issue using ZAR “Zero Assumption Recovery”
Only issue was the free version only allows 1Gb of file recovery, and the drive was full at 74Gb (80Gb, but as always file system etc etc lowers it)
So, after several hours the drive had been completely scanned, verified & recovered.
The drive is now being prepped for scanning and formatting procedures and should be back up and running shortly. Yey!
After all that side tracking, I can get back to the more important things, like the site :0)
This new pace of work life is going to take it’s toll as far as site & software development goes. That’s just life unfortunately.
I have, sort of, planned my time around my family (as they will always come first), so updates may be thin on the ground until we can weed out bits and pieces.
I mainly update and develop of an evening or when it’s feasible to do so, ie when Jack is asleep on his day naps etc, but as tiredness is my main enemy sometimes the best laid plans are disrupted by the dreaded zzz factor :0)
Anyway, at least if there is a gap between updates there would be more content in single posts instead of multiple little posts.
Speaking of the zzz factor, it’s ganged up on me now, so nite nite. x0/