As you can probably tell, I aint been doing much in the way of keeping this blog up to date.
Truth be known, I have been hard at working planning, prepping and generally editing RBCJ Hub v2. I have literally been “burning the candles” at both ends over these last few months.
All this couples with the kids being off school due to summer break and visiting the hospital, it’s been exhausting.
On that note, I’m off to bed as it’s 2.28am and I’ve got (yet another) blood test at the hospital.
I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the darker side of RBCJHub. Tbh, this blog is a reflection of my life, my troubles, well basically the single entity that is “Me”.
I absorb myself with so much these days, that this “personal” blog rarely gets updated, but this doesnt stop life encounters I have of course.
I am so sick of being tired all day, resisting as much as I can not to “nap”, then when it gets to 9pm or so, feeling so tired I could sleep for a month, then “BOOM”, my brain fully engages in what ever it decides to, to prevent me from switching off and going to sleep.
We bought a new bed recently, and I haven’t even spent one night in it yet. I’m getting so effed of with it, its getting me down.
My brain wants to shutdown at the wrong times, and insist on keeping me awake when I should be sleeping.
I’ve tried sleep aids and they do feck all, I’ve tried drinking alcohol to make me pass out and that doesn’t seem to work (properly) either.
I’m fed up of it now, all I want to be able to do is switch off, go to a nice warm bed and go asleep without waking until morning (and not disturbing anybody else with (perhaps lol) snoring)….
This post has been written whilst I’ve been steaming pissed, so, apologies for spelling, grammatical and moral mistakes. By moral mistakes, I mean the high chance of swear words.
If people want to know and understand the reason for my depression, it is simple. I’m scared.
I’m scared of what this world is becoming, maybe not for me, but for my kids. With everything going on in the world, terrorism, in-school violence and just generally the shitty attitude people adopt to each other makes this world a scary place.
We read constantly about the threat of terrorist attacks, the so called Russian threats etc etc, and I’m sick of it to the point it weighs heavy.
I’ve been fearful of writing this post for sometime and this will also explain the lack of motivation for doing anything.
I’ve said before, that this blog is my psychological outlet, and though it doesn’t get updated much, I vent a lot of frustration, anger and fear through this blog.
With recent attacks in Paris, France and the threats of more to come, it worries me, it worries me to the point that things get neglected.
Currently, I find it difficult to concentrate on most things, and the simplest of “online” tasks become arduous and increasingly frustrating.
Depression is a very difficult thing to talk about, and in my situation, I am trying my best to do what I need to do.
I have neglected friends and family that have helped me, and please understand, if any of my family and/or friends are reading this, it isn’t intentional and I apologize if you feel that I have ‘used’ you. I haven’t. I am battling with depression.
It’s hard to try and think of what to say without facing ridicule and people wishing to take the piss.
I try my hardest to get through each day, and some are easier than others. I wish people could try and understand, but as I have always said, regards depression, no-one feels it more than the person going through it. What one person thinks is ‘ok’, another thinks it is the worst thing ever. You are trapped in your own bubble of sadness, often feeling guilty for feeling emotions such as joy which then brings you back down again.
I can’t even begin to ask people to understand, nor can I write exactly how I feel.
To the people who know me, I thank you for your support, despite my rejections.
I’m sat here at my keyboard, not knowing what to type, and thinking if the stuff that I already have written makes any sense.
I’ll close this post with the explanation that as I have previously said, it’s not a cry for help, I’m not suicidal, I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want anything but to feel ‘normal’, and this is something I need sort on my own. I have a loving family and so far, this is/has been enough to get me through each day as much as I do.
Please don’t treat me any different, please don’t ask me to explain face-to-face and please don’t judge me. My feelings are my own and I don’t expect people to fully understand them, but I ask they respect them no matter how odd or confusing they maybe.
Again, apologies to the grammar/spelling police, and certainly for any profanities.
I’ve slowly started getting back into my domain again.
I’ve started by blowing the dust of my Ubuntu system, giving it a good clean and update and then started to look at my domain.
Anybody who knows me will tend to realize I am quite a quiet person, who will very rarely share personal thoughts or go into detail about the things that affect me.
Needless to say, this is one of those times again, where I have had to pull myself out off a spell of depression.
I dare say I am not fully out of it, and it is probably one of the longest periods of depression I have faced to date.
I’m not going to go into mega amounts of detail, and I will stress that this and previous posts are not a cry out for help, it’s not a sympathy vote, it is merely the way I cope with things, a release if you will.
Never the less, hopefully, I will be engaging more with the domain and I may end up picking up old software projects and see if I can’t give it a new lease of life.
Right now, I am looking at my site and thinking “does that need to be there”.
I’ve said it before, countless times that the site lacks direction and purpose.
I have too many things on the go and I’m finding it impossible to do it all. From additions to updates I am failing.
So whilst the site itself may seem a little redundant and very little changes, behind the scenes I am tackling the tough decisions of what to keep and what to axe.
The main reason I have that many things on the go with the domain is purely because I like the software. It may sound strange, but I like to learn new things, so installing new software to try out and learn is mainly the reason I do it in the first place.
So, the plan is, is to cut down on the crap, shave down what I’ll keep and stick to some sort of order that is manageable and not critically time-consuming.
As always to the people who regularly visit or contact me, thank you.
For the past couple of months, well, about six months to be precise, I have found it increasingly difficult to motivate myself to do anything across the whole of my domain.
Personal health has been one of the biggest factors causing this period of inactivity, but amongst that, I am suffering from a kind of depression I find difficult to talk about, as to some it would probably sound silly.
Nevertheless, it is this amongst a few other issues that are causing me to show very little interest at the moment.
So what will happen to RBCJ Hub?
To be honest, I have not yet thought deeply into it much, purely for the same reasons as above.
However, for the meantime, the pages of RBCJHub will remain open and active until such time I am able to give a clear and decisive action.
I hope that for the moment people will at least try and understand without prejudice and continue to visit for whatever reason you choose. As I have done today, I will try at some point(s) to keep you all updated, but for now, thanks for visiting…
~ The Creator
Hello to everyone, and welcome to 2015.
I hope you all had a very happy Christmas and an even better new year.
For myself, it was busy but I enjoyed the festivities, and I must say I even managed not to get drunk at our new years eve party, which has got to be a first.
Over the last couple of months or so, I have been hard at work bringing the site upto speed with updates.
Over the Christmas period I had taken most “side” parts to the site offline. The blog being one, but also Chuckles n Such.
Having noticed a number of duplicated images, I shut the site down, removed all the images and have begun the time-consuming process of checking for duplicate images as well as preparing all the new images.
The site should hopefully be up and running again soon.
As for my personal health update, over the xmas season I had unfortunately managed to get the dreaded “lurg”.
A sickness bug is currently working its way around and sadly, it has affected my eldest child Caitlin and my youngest Jack and it would seem it was my turn shortly after. I felt so ill, headaches, hot and cold shivers, painful sinuses and bodily aches adding up to quite a miserable time.
Still, I’m on the mend and my only problem is now, is trying to stay awake!
I’m not sure if it’s the medication I’m on or just that the “staying at home” is becoming so tedious and “samey” it’s sending me into an endless spiral of tiredness.
Anyway, as I say I hope you all had a good Christmas time and I hope 2015 will bring you all you deserve and want.
All the best…
If you been over to RBCJ-Hub lately, you will have seen a post where I touched briefly about how everything about the site etc has suffered due to ill health.
I thought I would update in more detail as to the situation.
A couple of weeks ago, I woke up struggling to breath, and every time I tried to walk anywhere, I had severe pains in my chest and side causing me to quickly get out of breath.
Panicking, I asked my wife to ring 101. The paramedic arrived and did all the routine checks etc, after about 10 minutes the ambulance crew arrived and after a short conflab with the paramedic, they decided to give me gas and air to relieve the pain, alongside codeine & paracetamol.
The pain subsided enough for me to board the ambulance and be taken to Barnsley General Hospital.
On the way, I asked what the problem could be (as rather stupidly, I left it and left it thinking it was a chest infection, lesson learned!).
Of course, they could only speculate with the symptoms I had described.
Waiting in A&E for what seemed like an eternity with my brother (god bless him for coming and meeting me at hospital) I was told I needed several blood tests.
I can’t really say what I thought, but to put it politely, I thought “Oh dear”.
After 35 years, this was my first ever blood test, and I’m scared of needles…
Now I will just clarify something, I say I am scared of needles and certainly the first thing the doctor said,
“How can you be scared of needles when you have tattoos?”, and simply my reply was, “I was pissed!”
In short, throughout the course of the day, I had 8 needles! (not much to some, but enough for me).
Trying to get blood from my wrists to test blood gases (or something like that) and blood from my arms. The reason I had so many, was, well, in short they couldn’t find a suitable vein lol…
After spending 10 and a half hours in hospital (A&E (Accident and Emergency) and AMU (Acute medical unit)) I was sent home. Yey…or not.
The suspicion of blood clots was believed to be the cause of everything, but they could not confirm this at that moment.
As they suspected blood clots, they had to treat me as such and start treatment right away to get a “head start”. In addition, I had to go to DVT for a daily blood test to monitor my INR (international normalized ratio).
Click here for more information on INR.
My INR was very low, 1.1 in fact, my therapeutic range is between 2-3. My blood was too thick, so I was given a regular (daily) injection into my stomach of Clexane. Great, more needles…
After a week or so of this action being taken, I had to have a scan on my lungs which involved laying flat on a ‘table’ and have a very noisy ‘polo mint’ type machine scan my lungs after they had injected me with a special (radioactive) dye.
The medical staff’s suspicion was confirmed. I have indeed got blood clots on both my lungs and I had suffered a Pulmonary Embolism.
Anyway…Having overcome my fear of needles (and pretty bloody quickly! (no pun intended)), as mentioned, I now have to attend regular blood tests to continue monitoring my INR, and continue on a prescribed anti-coagulant ‘Warfarin’.
So far my INR has fluctuated from 1.1 to 4.0 over the last month, but at least I am only having to go to hospital about once or twice a week now.
So, there you have it. My month in a nutshell…
Despite the seriousness of the condition, I am quite well in myself. I have a few pains and twinges now and again, occasionally I have to walk with a stick to support myself if I get breathless when I’m out and about, but other than that I am fine.
Just as a side note, after 6 months I have to be screened for something called “Factor 5 Leiden“, which is a genetically inherited blood disorder. It basically means, my blood is trying constantly to clot.