I am so sick of being tired all day, resisting as much as I can not to “nap”, then when it gets to 9pm or so, feeling so tired I could sleep for a month, then “BOOM”, my brain fully engages in what ever it decides to, to prevent me from switching off and going to sleep.
We bought a new bed recently, and I haven’t even spent one night in it yet. I’m getting so effed of with it, its getting me down.
My brain wants to shutdown at the wrong times, and insist on keeping me awake when I should be sleeping.
I’ve tried sleep aids and they do feck all, I’ve tried drinking alcohol to make me pass out and that doesn’t seem to work (properly) either.
I’m fed up of it now, all I want to be able to do is switch off, go to a nice warm bed and go asleep without waking until morning (and not disturbing anybody else with (perhaps lol) snoring)….
This post has been written whilst I’ve been steaming pissed, so, apologies for spelling, grammatical and moral mistakes. By moral mistakes, I mean the high chance of swear words.
If people want to know and understand the reason for my depression, it is simple. I’m scared.
I’m scared of what this world is becoming, maybe not for me, but for my kids. With everything going on in the world, terrorism, in-school violence and just generally the shitty attitude people adopt to each other makes this world a scary place.
We read constantly about the threat of terrorist attacks, the so called Russian threats etc etc, and I’m sick of it to the point it weighs heavy.
I’ve been fearful of writing this post for sometime and this will also explain the lack of motivation for doing anything.
I’ve said before, that this blog is my psychological outlet, and though it doesn’t get updated much, I vent a lot of frustration, anger and fear through this blog.
With recent attacks in Paris, France and the threats of more to come, it worries me, it worries me to the point that things get neglected.
Currently, I find it difficult to concentrate on most things, and the simplest of “online” tasks become arduous and increasingly frustrating.
Depression is a very difficult thing to talk about, and in my situation, I am trying my best to do what I need to do.
I have neglected friends and family that have helped me, and please understand, if any of my family and/or friends are reading this, it isn’t intentional and I apologize if you feel that I have ‘used’ you. I haven’t. I am battling with depression.
It’s hard to try and think of what to say without facing ridicule and people wishing to take the piss.
I try my hardest to get through each day, and some are easier than others. I wish people could try and understand, but as I have always said, regards depression, no-one feels it more than the person going through it. What one person thinks is ‘ok’, another thinks it is the worst thing ever. You are trapped in your own bubble of sadness, often feeling guilty for feeling emotions such as joy which then brings you back down again.
I can’t even begin to ask people to understand, nor can I write exactly how I feel.
To the people who know me, I thank you for your support, despite my rejections.
I’m sat here at my keyboard, not knowing what to type, and thinking if the stuff that I already have written makes any sense.
I’ll close this post with the explanation that as I have previously said, it’s not a cry for help, I’m not suicidal, I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want anything but to feel ‘normal’, and this is something I need sort on my own. I have a loving family and so far, this is/has been enough to get me through each day as much as I do.
Please don’t treat me any different, please don’t ask me to explain face-to-face and please don’t judge me. My feelings are my own and I don’t expect people to fully understand them, but I ask they respect them no matter how odd or confusing they maybe.
Again, apologies to the grammar/spelling police, and certainly for any profanities.
I’ve slowly started getting back into my domain again.
I’ve started by blowing the dust of my Ubuntu system, giving it a good clean and update and then started to look at my domain.
Anybody who knows me will tend to realize I am quite a quiet person, who will very rarely share personal thoughts or go into detail about the things that affect me.
Needless to say, this is one of those times again, where I have had to pull myself out off a spell of depression.
I dare say I am not fully out of it, and it is probably one of the longest periods of depression I have faced to date.
I’m not going to go into mega amounts of detail, and I will stress that this and previous posts are not a cry out for help, it’s not a sympathy vote, it is merely the way I cope with things, a release if you will.
Never the less, hopefully, I will be engaging more with the domain and I may end up picking up old software projects and see if I can’t give it a new lease of life.
Right now, I am looking at my site and thinking “does that need to be there”.
I’ve said it before, countless times that the site lacks direction and purpose.
I have too many things on the go and I’m finding it impossible to do it all. From additions to updates I am failing.
So whilst the site itself may seem a little redundant and very little changes, behind the scenes I am tackling the tough decisions of what to keep and what to axe.
The main reason I have that many things on the go with the domain is purely because I like the software. It may sound strange, but I like to learn new things, so installing new software to try out and learn is mainly the reason I do it in the first place.
So, the plan is, is to cut down on the crap, shave down what I’ll keep and stick to some sort of order that is manageable and not critically time-consuming.
As always to the people who regularly visit or contact me, thank you.
this video/song about sums up what I’m feeling at the moment.
R.E.M – Everybody Hurts
Long time no see…
Well, truth is, I’ve been a little self absorbed.
Ultimately trying to sort my head out.
Those who know me will know that from time to time I go through phases where I pretty much think “Screw it all!”.
Over these last few months, it has been one of those times and even now I’m having trouble focusing on things I really should be.
This blog is the only place where I feel I can speak openly and freely without ridicule or judgment.
At the moment, I’m just concentrating on being me, rather than trying to please people all the time.
I’m not very good and speaking in the fullest abouts my feelings etc, but a little part of my emotions comes out one in a while in posts etc.
Nobody likes to read the rantings of a moaner I guess, and thats probably why everyone tends to see me as “fun loving” Roy which sometimes is a strain in itself.
Anywhoo, this is the way I deal with things, so thats that off my chest 🙂
I must really get my arse into gear an work on the site lol
Yet again a number of factors are causing me to get down again.
I cant seem to pin point the exact cause, but I know it could be a number of things.
There just seems to be too many brick walls to run into, and not enough straight roads to cruise down.
And so I start work tomorrow. I must admit I’m a little apprehensive. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten used to being at home and the fact I wanted to stay at home to bring up Jack.
I’m not saying that I won’t work, it’s just I had little time with Caitlin when she was born because I spent most of my time at work. I just didn’t want to miss out this time.
Maybe I am being selfish, but I can’t help the way I feel. I had such plans but as most of the things in my life, they’re dashed.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not having a go at anyone, such as babs my wife. It’s the situation that screwed us over.
I suppose in one way it would be nice to start afresh but who knows?
We shall see…
I give up!